Wednesday, May 26, 2010

We welcome guest blogger, Kit Tosello

Unexpected Comfort
Guest post by Kit Tosello

FYI: When you’re a mom and you have a personal crisis, the world doesn’t stop.
You try to keep the balls in the air. You wash dishes and drive kids to school and say, "Have a great day, honey!" But your arms feel extra heavy and each word you speak takes deliberate effort.

And then there’s the hole. I discovered that grieving was like a dark gaping hole in the ground, luring me to its edge, daring me to confront my deepest hurts.
I had watched as my Mom gracefully shed her broken earthly body, and danced into heaven three days before last Christmas. It was a divinely beautiful, spiritually affirming moment.

So I looked up, beyond the ceiling of the yellow-painted hospital room and whispered, "Congratulations," and then I looked back at her delicate face – my mother’s face – for the very last time.

Then I collapsed into my twenty-year-old daughter’s arms. "I’m so afraid," I whispered.

"Of what?" she asked softly.

"Of tomorrow," I sobbed. "And the next day, and the day after. Of life without her."

During Alice Wisler’s online course, I found that writing kept me away from the pit. It exposed the monsters under my bed for what they were: fears and insecurities that lost their power when exposed to the light.

I’m sad today. My once-bouncey blonde cherub, who melted his Grandma’s heart when he curled up sweetly next to her while she napped, graduates from high school next Friday. I can’t hear Mom’s voice saying how proud she is of him. But I can scrawl my disappointment here on this page, before God, and find unexpected comfort.

About the writer:
Kit's blog, The High Desert Home Companion, is a "Kitchen Designer's take on life in Central Oregon." Visit her blog and read more.

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