Memories
I still remember what it felt like—shivering under the hospital sheet, legs drawn, unable to stay still. The two things I wanted were my baby and the pain to stop. I was guaranteed one of those when I awoke and sometime later, the pain had stopped, but my child was gone.
Winter that year brought many firsts. The first snowfall, the first snow man my husband and daughter rolled, the first time our acre pond froze over that you could actually walk on, and the first time it seemed a part of me died.
I can recall the days afterward as vividly as the day it happened. Like when my husband asked if I wanted to take a ride into town to see the snow and how everything within me cried, No! Or how I told him, “I want that dining room table we talked about. If I can’t have the children to go around it, at least I’ll have the table.” I wanted to fill the void left in my heart, and if a table would do that, then I wanted the table. But nothing filled the void my child left no matter what I tried. At times I felt the Lord nudging me to draw near to Him, but I couldn’t. If I did, I would relive what happened, and I wanted to forget, so I avoided what I felt.
For months I was lost in nothingness--nothing I did could make me happy. Then one day I felt the Holy Spirit pulling me to read scripture. I hadn’t read for a while, but I picked up my Bible and began. It didn’t take long for me to find the scripture God had for me. 2 Corinthians 12: 8-10 says, 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Yes, I remembered pleading with God to save my baby, and to say I was weak was an understatement. But that’s where God had spoken through His word. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” To me, God was saying, I am all you need and I will help you through this. I will make you strong, not in your power, but Mine.
Over the years, God has used my loss to comfort others who’ve lost loved ones. I can relate to what it feels like to lose someone they will never hold again or at all. Do I truly know what they are going through? Only God does, but I’ve become sensitive to others who are hurting. Whether it’s bowing in prayer with someone or through sharing my story, I’ve found joy, knowing God keeps His promises. God never left me, even when I turned from Him in my pain, He drew me like Jeremiah 31:3 says, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.”
If you’re hurting today from a loss, remember God is near, and He is faithful. Take comfort in knowing He has loved you with an everlasting love and draws you to Himself. There, in the shelter of His arms, you will find peace and rest.
~ Tanya Eavenson accepted Christ at a young age after walking down the reddest carpet she’d ever seen. At sixteen, she received her first Bible for Christmas. Never in her wildest dreams did she think God would use her to reach others for Him. But that is exactly what she’s been doing since God called her and her husband into the ministry. Tanya is also a writer for Christ to the World Ministries. She is a member of ACFW and was a semi-finalist in the 2011 Genesis Contest. You will find her blogging at Proof, See the Evidence http://proofseetheevidence.org; Guided Girls http://guidedgirls.blogspot.com/ and Student Life http://www.studentlife.com/
